No pictures for this post. Not feeling it today. I am still sabotaging myself by irresponsible spending. I woke up this morning really not liking me. “Spending” is my escape from the now…from feelings I don’t want to feel. I am not even sure what those feelings are. But buying something that gives me a little rush seems to still work for me. Not really. When I get jammed up (taxes, unexpected expense)I have very little back up…which I could easily have. So, I think part of this for me is wanting what I wasn’t when I want it (immaturity, even though I am 52). I believe another part is to keep me down…don’t shine too brightly. Like, some part of my life needs to be a mess so I don’t get “too big”…so that things don’t get “too good”. If they do or if I really shine, then people may not like me or I become a big ego maniac!! This is the type of thinking and belief system that keeps me crazy!!
Yesterday afternoon I had plenty of things I could have been doing for my business. What I chose to do was veg on the TV. What is interesting here is that one part of me was insisting that I chill out and enjoy my shows (I dvr everything). However, because the healthier part of me would have felt much better had I done a few things, Zi never really got to the “chill” mode. I just sat there feeling guilty. Procrastination happens with me when I am having uncomfortable feelings, and the little escape artist in e is screaming loudly “ESCAPE BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE”. Yesterday, it was the TV. It didn’t work. Crap!! My feelings are demanding my attention. I am not even sure what they are. Fear if some sort. Hard to just be with them.