How painful it is to choose me over the ones I love dearly. Really painful and scary. I have done it, and I hope I will always choose to save myself and my sanity over anyone else. Life is short. I want to be present. That starts with me. Easy to say, not so easy to do.
FIRST THINGS FIRST. What is first in my life? Seems like so many things. Remaining free of alcohol, drugs, and sugar are my top 3. Without abstinence with these three, all areas of my life go to crap very quickly! I have to stay in today, remind myself of the many reasons I am committed to my abstinence and recovery, and ask for help.
I understand “painful existence”. When drowning in various addictions (food, alcohol, drugs), I was simply existing…not living. Temporary moments of fun, but very little joy. I was asking myself often, ” What is wrong with me?” I had to put it all down before I could connect with myself, with others, and actually start living!! I could not be “alive” until I stopped running from myself. This is my experience – I could not let go of my “painful existence” until I put crap down and was willing to go through versus running from.
I LOVE being right!! I can really go there and argue to the Nth degree. In the past 4 days or so, I have been tremendously challenged by another person. Both insisting on our “rightness” of the situation. Neither backing down an inch. Then a couple of days ago I realized I AM LOSING SLEEP over this situation…this battle. I said a prayer. I wanted to be truthful, and more I importantly, KIND. All our interaction was through email. I slowly and patiently constructed an email with peace as my goal. I really checked out the words and asked my inner self, that little quiet voice, are there any barbs or underlying crap in this email? I had to rewrite it several times. I kept wanting to get my jabs in. Finally, it was clean. No b.s. in it. Regardless of how the other person responded, I knew I was sending it with a clean heart. I did not have to keep trying to prove my point. This person obviously had much angst. I was having much angst. I could only take care of my angst. Opting for peace over “having to be right” was a conscience choice. A choice I have rarely made in the past. I feel good. I feel relieved. I believe I will sleep well tonight!
No pictures for this post. Not feeling it today. I am still sabotaging myself by irresponsible spending. I woke up this morning really not liking me. “Spending” is my escape from the now…from feelings I don’t want to feel. I am not even sure what those feelings are. But buying something that gives me a little rush seems to still work for me. Not really. When I get jammed up (taxes, unexpected expense)I have very little back up…which I could easily have. So, I think part of this for me is wanting what I wasn’t when I want it (immaturity, even though I am 52). I believe another part is to keep me down…don’t shine too brightly. Like, some part of my life needs to be a mess so I don’t get “too big”…so that things don’t get “too good”. If they do or if I really shine, then people may not like me or I become a big ego maniac!! This is the type of thinking and belief system that keeps me crazy!!
Spirit, one of my 5 cats, is lying here completely open and vulnerable. She is inviting me to rub her belly. She loves it and receives much joy from belly rubbing! In my own life, I am very careful with whom I am vulnerable. That being said, through practice, I have experienced great freedom and inner strength from allowing myself to be vulnerable. What is your experience with vulnerability?