I am not sure I am setting this up correctly…it has been a while. Bare with me. I read something recently that spoke to me, “You will know a lasting change has been made when your priorities have changed.” It has been about 5 years that I have mostly been off sugar. However, last December, 2016, thought I would give it a go…just have a little. I have been struggling ever since, gained 40 pounds. I am a sugar addict. Love it!! It becomes my life, my idol, my God. Prayed this morning for freedom for just this ONE day. In my experience, as I took one step towards God…He greets me with arms open wide. I want to practice willingness instead of willfulness.
Being married…one of the hardest things I have ever done. Allowing someone to know me as Jon knows me…very scary and extremely challenging. More later. Exhausted.
Another day. Doing my best to let Jon be miserable. Have to allow him the dignity to figure out his own crap.
Pretty excited and scared. 10 day detox. Not fasting. Just real specific ways of eating and Being for ten days. Starting on the 8th. Want to be healthier. Drop a few pounds. Get off all artificial sweeteners and processed foods. Even those that are considered “healthy”. Sticking to organic whole foods, lean proteins, and a lot of fish. I am sure I will learn a few things about me in the process. Baths are a part of this deal too. Less media also. Wish me luck!
FIRST THINGS FIRST. What is first in my life? Seems like so many things. Remaining free of alcohol, drugs, and sugar are my top 3. Without abstinence with these three, all areas of my life go to crap very quickly! I have to stay in today, remind myself of the many reasons I am committed to my abstinence and recovery, and ask for help.
I understand “painful existence”. When drowning in various addictions (food, alcohol, drugs), I was simply existing…not living. Temporary moments of fun, but very little joy. I was asking myself often, ” What is wrong with me?” I had to put it all down before I could connect with myself, with others, and actually start living!! I could not be “alive” until I stopped running from myself. This is my experience – I could not let go of my “painful existence” until I put crap down and was willing to go through versus running from.
I LOVE being right!! I can really go there and argue to the Nth degree. In the past 4 days or so, I have been tremendously challenged by another person. Both insisting on our “rightness” of the situation. Neither backing down an inch. Then a couple of days ago I realized I AM LOSING SLEEP over this situation…this battle. I said a prayer. I wanted to be truthful, and more I importantly, KIND. All our interaction was through email. I slowly and patiently constructed an email with peace as my goal. I really checked out the words and asked my inner self, that little quiet voice, are there any barbs or underlying crap in this email? I had to rewrite it several times. I kept wanting to get my jabs in. Finally, it was clean. No b.s. in it. Regardless of how the other person responded, I knew I was sending it with a clean heart. I did not have to keep trying to prove my point. This person obviously had much angst. I was having much angst. I could only take care of my angst. Opting for peace over “having to be right” was a conscience choice. A choice I have rarely made in the past. I feel good. I feel relieved. I believe I will sleep well tonight!
No pictures for this post. Not feeling it today. I am still sabotaging myself by irresponsible spending. I woke up this morning really not liking me. “Spending” is my escape from the now…from feelings I don’t want to feel. I am not even sure what those feelings are. But buying something that gives me a little rush seems to still work for me. Not really. When I get jammed up (taxes, unexpected expense)I have very little back up…which I could easily have. So, I think part of this for me is wanting what I wasn’t when I want it (immaturity, even though I am 52). I believe another part is to keep me down…don’t shine too brightly. Like, some part of my life needs to be a mess so I don’t get “too big”…so that things don’t get “too good”. If they do or if I really shine, then people may not like me or I become a big ego maniac!! This is the type of thinking and belief system that keeps me crazy!!
Yesterday afternoon I had plenty of things I could have been doing for my business. What I chose to do was veg on the TV. What is interesting here is that one part of me was insisting that I chill out and enjoy my shows (I dvr everything). However, because the healthier part of me would have felt much better had I done a few things, Zi never really got to the “chill” mode. I just sat there feeling guilty. Procrastination happens with me when I am having uncomfortable feelings, and the little escape artist in e is screaming loudly “ESCAPE BY ANY MEANS POSSIBLE”. Yesterday, it was the TV. It didn’t work. Crap!! My feelings are demanding my attention. I am not even sure what they are. Fear if some sort. Hard to just be with them.